Coach-Pitch Little League - An Orwellian Dystopia

My six year old son was on a losing baseball team this year. Wait, more than that. They lost every game (except one, miraculously), and when they lost, they lost big... Double digits... In spite of a 6-runs-per-inning limit.

I couldn't care less. My son had a good time and learned a lot about baseball and, far more importantly, he learned about teamwork and the value of practice.

Now here's where it gets good:

One of the other parents, predictably, did not share my casual attitude (they are only six years old. Six! for crying out loud) and so took it upon himself to write a hilariously disgruntled email to the head of the league of which I happen to have received have a carbon copy. I would like to share parts of it with you.

But first, a little background: The league is for kids 6-8. There are four teams. The four teams in our league play against each other and also against teams from other leagues from around the area. As I have mentioned, our team was by far the worst in the area. The other three teams in our league fared much better and apparently some of the parents of the kids on our team suspect corruption in the drafting process! None of our kids were chosen for the allstar team. As a result, our coaches and parents voted to boycott the end of season tournament. All in all, a real fiasco.

So now to the email. Let the hilarity ensue:

Quote 1:(The Boston Tea Party)

"The Red Socks, will not be playing in the end-of-the-year league
tournament. The [coaches and parents] opted for a display of civil
disobedience"

Well, I'll be the first to admit that nonviolent protest is indeed a viable option for addressing the issue. And it sure beats pitchforks and AK-47's as some of the other parents suggested. But what ever happened to good old not-giving-a-shit? I mean, we're not talking about life and liberty here. This is coach-pitch baseball for kids, half of which can't even tie their own goddamn shoes.

Quote 2: (Corruption in the drafting process)

"Many episodes of unfairness have occurred since the onset of the season.
First, the teams were not selected equitably. This is apparent because Team#1
has six “all stars” but Team#4 [our team] has zero. [This is] 'team
stacking'"

Well, he's right about one thing. We sucked. Bad. I'll grant him that. But I don't think this constitutes irrefutable evidence for "team stacking." In fact, the only thing "apparent" here is that this guy is a psychotic asshole. Now, I'm not sure where the burden of proof lies, but he's looking at a pretty weak case unless he can uncover an incriminating memo or something.

Quote 3: (A plea for a constitutional amendment and salary cap)

"An amendment must be put into place next season to avoid what has happened
this year. Even professional sports teams enact a salary cap to maintain a fair
and level playing field."

Go ahead. Read that again if you need to. I had to read that part four times before I could convince myself I hadn't gone completely bat-shit crazy. First of all, I don't even know if our league has a constitution to which an amendment can be made, but if it does, let me go on record as saying that I question its necessity. And second of all, a salary cap?!? My son didn't get paid at all! I demand an audit of the 50-50 raffle revenue. We can discuss a salary cap as soon as someone forks over our share.

Quote 4: (A philosophy to live by)

"These young boys are told day one that 'It’s not about winning and losing;
it’s about having fun.' Well, everyone knows that losing is not any fun."

All I can say to this one is:

Quote 5: (The art of exaggeration)

"This absurdity is reminiscent of an Orwellian dystopia where 'All teams are
equal, but some teams are more equal than others.'"

Get out. You're kidding, right? You're really going to compare a few kids having a lackluster season to the abject misery, poverty, and despair of a dystopia? I think it's safe to assume you're not up to date on your current events if this is the most outrageous societal error you can imagine.

Quote 6: (Waaaaah!!!!)

"I can’t explain to [my son] why his team lost all but one game even though
they diligently practiced and 'tried their best' each and every outing."

Here, let me try to explain it to him for you: LIFE ISN'T FUCKING FAIR! LEARN THAT AND GET OVER IT!

Join me next time when i discuss the mind-numbing phenominon of sports being considered a socially acceptible topic for smalltalk and the frustration of being the only man in the United States who doesn't care about ridiculously obscure sporting statistics.

Understatement: It's Getting Out Of Hand

Before you label me as a Fair Tax nutcase, let me state that I understand the merit, and perhaps necessity, of a graduated tax structure and that the essential purpose of the IRS and IRC is to provide for an equitable distribution of the burden. But jesus, there's got to be a better solution.

Stats:

• $10.9 Billion - That's the 2008 budget for the Internal Revenue Service.
  
  
• $20 Billion - That is the revenue earned by the four largest (the big four) accounting firms from tax services alone for their 2007 fiscal years.
  
  
• 3,000 - That is a conservative estimate of the number of CPA firms in the United States. (Depending on your source, that number may be significantly higher.)

Do the math with me. If my calculations are correct, and I believe they are, we spend approximately an assload of money each year trying to arrive at taxable income. And it is getting worse:

• 10.8% - That is the average growth rate of the top 100 public accounting firms for FYE 2007 (down from 16.5% in 2006).

But the real atrocity here is the millions of man-hours wasted each year in this pointless endeavor.

The Internal Revenue Code is absurdly complex with each of the 9,833 sections of the Code requiring guidance, clarification and interpretation by countless rulings, regulations and publications. This 87 page word doc is one Treasury Regulation providing interpretation for one section of the Internal Revenue Code. Scroll through that and see if it doesn't make you want to ball like a crazed Britney Spears fan (leave her alone!)

So CPA's are intelligent. It's a near certainty since the certification exam is so difficult. One study of people who have taken both the CPA exam and the Bar exam indicates that participants consider the CPA exam to be slightly more difficult than the Bar exam. Sure, you're going to have a few numb skulls slip through the cracks an become certified. The point is, however, that taxation is not only an astronomical waste of time. It is an astronomical waste of intelligent time.

Think about it; all that money and all those hours essentially crammed down an enormous toilet. Imagine what could be accomplished if all that time and effort was focused on a something slightly more productive... like masturbation, for example.

In the spirit of lending a shred of credibility to this article, I'd like to point out that I work in the tax department of a large public accounting firm. I stand to suffer considerable financial difficulty in the event that we come to our senses. But then again, what are the chances of that?

Strangest Shit I Have Ever Seen

Alright, either I am missing a very important bit of context that would somehow offer a reasonable answer to the question undoubtedly on all our minds (wtf?) or this is in fact the most bizarre, inexplicable piece of footage in the history of moving pictures. No, strike that. This is the most bizarre 1:30 in the history of humanity.

Either that, or these people are just stoned out of their minds.